Steroids

It seems like a good time to bring back one of Letterman's Top Ten Lists from last season.

Top Ten Signs A Baseball Player Is Using Steroids

10. This year he broke the home run record, last year he was a cellist.

9. Only signs autographs in exchange for clean urine sample.

8. Requests salary be paid in Balco gift certificates.

7. That guy who looks like the Phillie Phanatic is actually your shortstop.

6. Whenever team wins, dumps tub of Creatine on manager.

5. Exhibits erratic behavior like chewing on foul pole.

4. Can spit sunflower seeds 95 miles per hour.

3. Rush Limbaugh points at him and says, "That dude's messed up."

2. George Steinbrenner is scared of him.

1. Makes Schwarzenegger look like Carrot Top.